What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
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You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Breaking news:
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.