I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
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I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*