I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I’ll be mad as hell!
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now