I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
You Might Also Like
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Growing up was a huge mistake
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.