[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
🐕🍷
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.