@fro_vo: "i'll be back"
--arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
@ShutUpThatsWho: [son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don't you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
@RocketRankoon: Comcast: "Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?"
Me: "No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered."
@squirrel74wkgn: Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
@lazerdoov: Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
@sad_tree: [getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
"I know you're not really an armadillo"