“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
You Might Also Like
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Spell check is for lasers.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
My five year plan is a meteorite
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
boat question
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times