“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
LMAO.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.