“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
looks legit
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
How it started: How it’s going:
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?