2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog