@hasht4g: I'll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
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@iAmDelFreaky: Mom: Any big plans today? Me: Yes, of course, my friend is coming over and... Mom: The mail doesn't come on Sundays. Me: Oh, then no. :'(
@DaddyJew: [buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case
@causticbob: Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street. Drunk people still think there's a sniper somewhere.
@TheTweetOfGod: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you're out of eyes.