@hasht4g: I'll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
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@TEXASVETERAN: My dad annoyed my mom calling her "Mother of 7" until the day she called him "Father of 4".
@Rollinintheseat: I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
@bridger_w: If you're pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek