@hasht4g: I'll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
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@DurtMcHurtt: I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
@JosesLovesYou: *barges into bank with guns drawn Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt! *hands out sunglasses all around Nice. Nice.
@daemonic3: "I'm a skeleton!" *kisses and hugs you* Stop that! *kisses and hugs you again* What kind of skeleton are you?!? "An XO skeleton"