@badbanana: I'll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.
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@Tommytoughstuff: IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion. PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER! IP: Okay, someone that's not my wife.
@MarlonBrandNO: [Trapped on a Island] *Message in a bottle* "Please send help!" *Gets message back, months later* "Linda invited you to play Candy Crush"
@ThisOneSayz: Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem: Why aren't you helping me?? *starts to help* You're doing it wrong! Let me do it!
@serialmatrix: God: sends you to hell for aborting your 'child'.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.