“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
The Onion called it…again.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Seas the day!!!!
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Pee pressure > peer pressure
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”