Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.