I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
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This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?