I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
You Might Also Like
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
finally found a reasonable question
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.