@badbanana: I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
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@ericsshadow: [Target intercom] "Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We've told u for weeks this isn't a daycare."
@JaySuch: When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
@Death_Buddy: FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER. PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
@PariCalvia: That moment when you leave a store but don't buy anything, and you're telling yourself, "act natural, you're innocent."