@badbanana: I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
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@Xalqee: You know you're an Alcoholic when you can't even say the word "sober" without making air quotes
@SonOfCha: Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
@MissBamantha: Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase "calm down."