I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
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To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.