I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
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WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
He just like my cat fr
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
good work, detective
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here