5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Good morning, Twitter x
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!