I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.