I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
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Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd