I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
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Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
not for long
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️