I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
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they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.