9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.