I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
*limbos under the caution tape
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I love snow
– People who never shovel