I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Happy thanksgiving!
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one