I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.