I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
You Might Also Like
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
You learn something every day
I love twitter
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger