I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
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[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.