I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color