I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.