A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
We all have our pet causes.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.