I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
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[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
The fall of Netflix
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”