“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I feel seen
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no