@SkylarGarland: "I'll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter" (How I'd die in a horror movie)
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@d_duhwit: First day as waiter Boss: Can you clear table 5? Me: Well I haven't done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..
@sofarrsogud: Guys, ladies love a rugged man. Be like a wolf. Knock down her house. Eat her grandmother. Tear her to shreds. *makes wolf sounds
@KalvinMacleod: Wife: Are you even listening to me? Me: Of course W: Oh yeah, what did I say? M: [smoke bomb] W: I can still see you M: [Another smoke bomb]