“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
*seductively corrects your posture*
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake