I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
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New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.