I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
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Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The three genders
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”