Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
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ME: finally a program for me