A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
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If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny