I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
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Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.