I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?