I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
You have been warned.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.