I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts