restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
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Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Guy who likes music
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht