“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year