‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
You Might Also Like
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot