I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.