*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
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All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
When your parents check you’re ok.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits