I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
The answer is funnier than the question
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.