ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
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[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
my dad has had enough
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?