“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.