“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
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Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper鈥檚 car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
If you cannot hold a poker face don鈥檛 bother becoming a parent because if you can鈥檛 sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn鈥檛 raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Not to say my family is messy but I鈥檝e had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I can鈥檛 believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Very good! 馃憤馃槀
You don鈥檛 know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
welp
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there鈥檚 nothing in the rules that says you can鈥檛 grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way