“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
You Might Also Like
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Never forget.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”